We've been experiencing some difficulty regarding this not-so-favorite but oh-so-time-consuming pastime. My son, who is now four, still has no idea when he has to go, or when he's actually doing it. Seriously. There are no indicators prior to, during, or following either type of potty event. Zip. Observations have been recorded on paper and mentally catalogued for months, but there's nothing verbal or non-verbal that could remotely resemble a cue. We tried yet another tactic, this one pulled off an autism advocacy website, involving spending all day in the bathroom, with off-potty nakie time for ten minutes following a "success". He had some successes, but he had no idea he'd peed. And he also had three accidents on the floor during the nakie time.
There was absolutely no reaction the times he whizzed on the floor. He didn't blink, he didn't look down, he didn't even move when it was running down his legs. He just stood there, engrossed with whatever he was thinking about. He had to clean up his mess, but seemed to have no clue how it got there and why mommy was helping him (hand over hand) wash the floor. After expressing some parental frustration (I know he can't help it right now, but we're still making a valiant effort), I have received or read the following gems of advice:
"Every kid learns on their own timetable."
"It's a simple process they should pick up in a day, if all the waking hours in that day are devoted to training."
"Sometimes it can take an entire week before they're fully trained!"
"Sometimes it can take an entire month before they're fully trained!"
"My daughter was 2 and a half before she finally would use the potty. They just have to be ready, and their bladders able to hold it or release on demand."
"My son was potty trained at 14 months, and his sister was at 12 months."
"Use stickers as rewards."
"Use M&Ms as rewards."
"Use pennies as rewards, to put in their piggy bank."
"Use stars on a chart, and when they get 15 they get a reward."
"Don't use rewards, it will just confuse them."
"Just let your child run naked through your house."
"Use cotton underwear, they don't like it being soggy."
"Use pull-up training pants, they can see and feel when they're wet."
"It's a spiritual experience, being in tune with one's body. Mmmmmmmm. They have to learn to channel their inner self fully before they can recognize and release on cue."
"It's all routine, and if they do it enough, they'll learn the routine."
"Don't worry, I don't know any kids who are in kindergarten and still in diapers, ha ha!"
Now, for the really great part. I'm going to participate in transference (focusing and expressing my frustrations on an unrelated thing) for some wholesome, snarky fun. Let's dissect. Scalpels ready? Let the viscera fly.
"Every kid learns on their own timetable." ~ True. That is what the problem is. My son can't tell time. Or multiply.
"It's a simple process they should pick up in a day, if all the waking hours in that day are devoted to training." ~ So, after spending three straight days in our bathroom and having no clean laundry or dishes and a bunch of empty take-out containers in our garbage cans, I can't tell if perhaps by "day", they really meant some kind of allegorical theoretical "day", akin to the Biblical "a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day" or a literal, 24-hour kind of day. I'm betting on the former.
"Sometimes it can take an entire week before they're fully trained!" ~ Again, I'm thinking this length of time must be measured using an alternate-universe's standards.
"Sometimes it can take an entire month before they're fully trained!" ~ Infinity is a defined amount of time, right? There's that time problem again. Note to self: teach son about all possible calendars (Julian, lunar, etc) and have him pick the one he'd like to use.
"My daughter was 2 and a half before she finally would use the potty. They just have to be ready, and their bladders able to hold it or release on demand." ~ OK. I'll buy that. However, when my son's first accident on the floor resembled those glorious videos of the falls in Yosemite (only yellow), with about as much volume, I'm thinking the holding or releasing part isn't the problem. I also think my son's bladder runs the length of his body and has lobes down both legs.
"My son was potty trained at 14 months, and his sister was at 12 months." ~ of course this was delivered in a smug, self-righteous tone. The temptation to feed her children ex-lax and sit back and enjoy the fun very nearly overwhelmed me. Never fear, the kiddies are safe. For now. I might put some of the chocolate chunks in mama's cookies though.... La dee frickin da. So your kids are some kind of genius mutants. I wouldn't worry about the genius, but I would about that mutant part.
"Use stickers as rewards." ~ I would, but I have instituted a strict "only three stickers ingested per diem" rule, and if he's sitting on the potty when he goes he might violate that quota (he has on those all-day bathroom events).
"Use M&Ms as rewards." ~ tried it. Since my son has no clue when he's gone (even on the potty), my effusive praising and giving him M&Ms caused him to give me the "my mom is on crack" look, followed by the "oh, hey, M&Ms!" look.
"Use pennies as rewards, to put in their piggy bank." ~ not a good idea with a kid that likes to 1) lick metal, or 2) throw the bank down the stairs, and then eat the change that falls out. But thanks for playing.
"Use stars on a chart, and when they get 15 they get a reward." ~ Again, there's that darned sticker quota problem. He could care less about a line of stars on a chart, and hasn't as of yet gotten the reward idea, let alone building up to a reward. Unless I completely misunderstood and this individual meant to use an ACTUAL star chart. Like, where the location of the Big Dipper is in the July sky for the northern hemisphere. In which case, we might have to try that, he does like to eat paper. After 15 stars he might supernova.
"Don't use rewards, it will just confuse them." ~ OK, great advice.
"Just let your child run naked through your house." ~ OK. We rent our current abode, do not have grass or mud floors (but do have some carpet), nor am I a fan of vinyl furniture covers. Also, we don't have wall protectors. No.
"Use cotton underwear, they don't like it being soggy." ~ You'd figure this would work, since my son refuses to eat, touch, or do anything else to or with a soggy texture. Except apparently his bum isn't so discriminating and cotton pants (even with the vinyl over-pants) are no match for A-- Falls.
"Use pull-up training pants, they can see and feel when they're wet." ~ Same result with less mess. The visual part only works if the kid actually looks down at the pants and notices.
"It's a spiritual experience, being in tune with one's body. Mmmmmmmm. They have to learn to channel their inner self fully before they can recognize and release on cue." ~ What. The. H. Smoke a little less pot and keep your energy crystals to yourself.
"It's all routine, and if they do it enough, they'll learn the routine." ~ You want routine? The allures of singing songs, reading books, counting, and watching movies while stranded on the toilet have all faded into the grey routine of getting up in the morning, sitting on the potty, getting up to eat breakfast, sitting on the potty until lunch time, eating lunch, getting dressed and getting on the bus for school. Waiting five hours. Getting off the bus, sitting on the potty until dinner. Eating dinner. Sitting on potty until bedtime. Going to bed. Practicing this routine is starting to give me physical tics, and make my son scream, "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO". He's learning to hate the bathroom is what he's learning. I have decided that establishing this routine is psychotic and we're not doing it that way any more. That is not the route to take.
"Don't worry, I don't know any kids who are in kindergarten and still in diapers, ha ha!" ~ I do. There are actually a lot of special needs kids who are still in diapers. Ha ha. And the parents survive by sharing poop stories, or spewing vitreol on the web.
OK. All done. That was fun. We might have to play again another day! ;)
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