A Thankful Heart

I must confess, I've had kind of a rough time over the last few days.

God has this unique way of putting things into perspective.

After my last post, regarding all the things I'd like to fix up in our home, I had to help create a presentation for my husband, to be shown this week at church during the Youth Takeover Sunday. This presentation shows photos of times when it's hard to understand where God is in the situation (even though we know He's everywhere), and includes pictures of houses burning to the ground, our troops in the Middle East with fallen soldiers, street children in the Phillipines, and starving children in Africa. The message one of our college-aged students will be giving is titled, "Our God, His Love".

I had to comb through the photos to make sure they weren't too graphic because we will have 5-yr-olds present when they're being shown on the screen. By the time I was done gathering the requested images, I felt like I'd been through a wringer on an old-fashioned washing machine. One particular image (that could not be used for this presentation) is still indelibly burned into my brain. I won't share the link, but the gist is starving people will eat anything, even if it means holding onto the back of a living animal to get it. And then my husband came home from work early for a doctor's appointment and brought me McDonald's for lunch. I choked on it while I was trying to eat it, and then had to go upstairs for a good bawling session. For the next two days every time I saw a cow, I'd start tearing up again. And I live out in the country, so you can just imagine. I know that if my human heart was breaking over the world situations, then God's heart must be so much exponentially more pained.

I think we Americans are so unbelievably blessed, and we've been spoiled to the point that we take a lot of things for granted. Even the poorest and homeless here in this country have it better than a lot of people that live in other countries around the world.

I have seen images like these before, and know the situations, and we do what we can to support relief efforts. They always touch my heart and make me upset that I can't just go to their countries, pack them all in my suitcase, and bring them home with me. We don't always have a lot of extra ourselves and have felt leanness from time to time, but we still also know that we have so much more than a lot of others around the world. And we're grateful for it.

I think the reason that this time has hit me so particularly hard is that my husband and I have been discussing adopting another child. So to see all these children in these conditions, after having recent discussions about adopting one to take it out of that type of situation, really made hamburger out of my heart. If we want more children, adopting is the way to go, and while we realize that there are a lot of children that need families here in our country, we also realize that the American kids -- even those who are in poverty by American standards -- are so much better off than a lot of international kids are.

I have some issues in the birthing department; we have lost several babies due to miscarriages, and I almost died the first time and had severe complications the second time I actually carried our two living kids to full term. A friend recently asked if I was pregnant again, to which I responded, "NO! I'd be crying if I was." Not because I'd be upset to have another kid at this point, but because I do have a habit of losing them and/or have the chance to die if I'm pregnant and I just really don't want to/can't go through that any more. I admire people who are foster parents, but I know that I could never do it -- to keep a child for a short time and give them up again would tear me up every time I had to do it, very probably because I have lost a few of our own. So....adoption, at some future point.

Through all this, I also feel deeply ashamed for feeling frustrated with our house, which by any other country's standards would be considered fabulous. Perspective, perspective.

We are still going to be doing the eventual renovations to the home, and we will still be working on adopting at least one more child (we have to do some of the renovations before we can even think about more kids, though). I also know that we are blessed to live where we are, with the provisions we have -- and to deny receiving those blessings isn't right, either. While I am always thankful for the blessings we are given, I think perhaps that these last few days will provide a more lasting...reminder for me. It is good to have a reminder every now and then, lest we become complacent or spoiled. Like I apparently have become, without realizing it.

This week is our Thanksgiving celebration. What are YOU thankful for?