Well, Crap

We had a whiz-bang start to the New Year! Our septic tank backed up into our house! While my husband was away, working his last all-night shift! Isn't that exciting?

It was exciting to call a friend to come into my stinky house to watch my kids and make sure they didn't eat or drink anything they weren't supposed to while I went outside. Holidays are all about family and friends, right?

It was exciting for me to go out in the back yard, in the dark, and try to dig up where the blasted tank was, to check the level per the directions of the septic guy -- only to discover after an hour of digging that the tank was located on the other side of the gate from where the directions on the deed seemed to indicate.

It was exciting to dig around for another hour in the backyard on the other side of the gate! The neighbor's Pomeranian was excited, too, judging from all the yapping coming from their yard. I'm pretty sure that if my neighbors had seen me out there muttering and throwing mud and rocks around they would have thought I was off my cracker and was burying a body or something. But isn't that a great New Year's resolution -- to get more exercise and make the neighbors think you're crazy? Cheap home security. So after I found what I needed, I called the septic guy back and relayed the pertinent information.

It was exciting for the septic guy and the RotoRooter guy, both of which got extra pay, to come out and fix the problem on a weekend so we didn't have nastiness coming up out of the tub drain or the sinks anymore, and so we could actually use the toilet. And that nasty sulfur smell that we've always had? Turns out it was the byproduct gas in the tank making its way into the house. We just thought it was the well water, which is what two long-time residents had told us.

Our septic tank was so full, that it was trying to ooze out the top hatch when the septic guy came. Let's all say it together: "Ewwwwwwww!" It was pumped out in August of last year, and is a 1,000 gallon tank, so we shouldn't have had any problems for at least another year, maybe two. But full it was, so we had to have that remedied. Then he noticed that when we flushed, there was only a very tiny trickle coming out of the house. Because the septic tank was so full, it covered the main line from the house....and stuff backed up and caused a clog. Enter the RotoRooter guy, stage right. He zipped the snake up in there, broke through some mineral deposits, and presto chango we're back in business so we can do our business.

Or, are we? The septic guy came back on Tuesday to check out the tank and see if the outlet into the yard was blocked somehow (he couldn't see it last week because the temperature differential was too great and his mirror kept fogging up). He looked for 15 minutes trying to find the outlet and the baffle, and couldn't see any pipes leading out, which is strange. He did see a ribbed hose lying in the bottom, though, like what he uses to schlepp all the, well, you know, out. And, our tank is halfway full again. That's 500 gallons of water and other materials, in a matter of 3 days. I must have goggled at him like he had onions for eyeballs, because he took the lid off and showed me. Sure enough, it's halfway back up again.

Diagnosis: we have a blockage leading to our drain field. Which ain't cheap to fix. So Z and I are tied for the time being, hoping that mystically and magically everything will start working again but knowing that we have to do something about it -- soon. We can call the RotoRooter guy out again once we have the funds to do so, but he has to have someplace to RotoRoot, and we don't know what to tell him. Or her, as the case may be. We were told to go ahead and dig the whole area behind the house up, because that will save us some money and time -- they won't have to try to locate it and do it themselves. Where are Snow White's dwarves when you need them? I could use seven strong men with shovels and pick-axes about now.

Then. Then -- after looking around in our half-full tank for a while, the septic guy noticed our new well pump site, which was put in several years before we bought the house. He scratched his head, turned and looked at me, and said, "Um, ma'am, where exactly is your drain field located?" I have no idea, my husband was here with the house inspector. The septic guy just kind of shook his head, and told me that normally you wouldn't put a well pump in within 100 feet of a drain field, just in case of leakage, and did we have our water tested? That we had, and everything tests normally. We have one of those ultraviolet light purifier things, which zaps everything. But I have to admit I've been looking a little askance at the tap water ever since. Hasn't made us sick or anything, so it's probably fine, but....well, crap!