Belt Buckle Top Ten

I am a list maker; I can generally make sense of or organize things after I get it all laid out. Lists are made for everything...shopping, daily tasks, goals. If there ever comes a time when there is nothing to write and type on or with, I'm going to be in bad shape. You might even say I'd be listless. (Yeah, I know -- but there's no one here to throw something at me so the lame jokes are presented in relative safety. I blame sleep deprivation, which I will explain in another post.)

There is something here in Texas that I haven't quite been able to wrap my brain around just yet, though, so I'm making a list to try to make sense of it: People here wear belt buckles the size of their heads. Why? Who knows. I'm sure there is a list already in existence out there making the internet rounds (via multi-forwarded e-mail format), but I haven't seen it yet -- so here's my take on the issue:

TOP TEN REASONS TEXANS WEAR ENORMOUS BELT BUCKLES

10. State law? OK, probably not -- although I do think it might be a state law for every family to own a large pickup truck. I do know that if you want to "fit in" and look like a native, you can't go wrong with a hub-cap-sized buckle at your waist. Show your state pride! Wear a belt buckle the size of your state! (My apologies to Rhode Island).

9. Bling Bling. Men in New Yawk wear gold necklaces. Men in Washington, D.C. wear tie tacks. Men (and some women) in Texas wear large, shiny belt buckles. It's the ultimate fashion must for that "put together" Texan look, closely followed by cowboy hats and boots. (Spurs are optional for dressy occasions.)

8. Fastener. Used to fasten the belt and hold up one's pants. What? You were expecting something else?

7. Name Tag. If you ever forget your name or how to spell it, just look down at your belt buckle...I've seen several that have the name of the owner on it. I suppose it's a good theft deterrent, too: no one is likely to steal your belt if your name is on it.

6. Advertising. Nothing says "Come breed with us!" like a huge belt buckle the size of a dinner plate emblazoned with an anatomically correct bull and the name of the ranch where the stud resides (along with "breeders" carefully spelled out under the picture). A picture sometimes says more than words, right? This one says, "We're good to go!"

5. Romantic Gesture/Symbol of Love. Nothin' says lovin' like "John and Amy" or "Mom" on your waistband, along with a picture of longhorn cattle. I suppose it is less permanent than a tattoo, in case you need to change it.

4. Safety. If you're out doing some hard-core cattle wrangling and then realize that you're lost, you can use your shiny belt buckle as a device to signal for help, using the sun. You can also use it as a weapon if you run out of ammo; just whip your belt off and beat the snot out of your foe, whether it's a feral hog or a mugger.

3. Exercise aid. Given the size of the buckles, it comes as no surprise that they have got some weight to them. Keep wearing it and you're guaranteed to lose some weight...and possibly bow your legs while you're at it, depending on the size you're wearing. Ever wonder why some cowboys swagger?

2. Trophy. Hockey has the Stanley Cup, which has the names of all the winning team members inscribed on it, and is displayed at the home arena. (GO RED WINGS by the way!). Rodeo has a belt buckle with the name of the winner inscribed on it, but the (slightly) smaller size makes it more portable and demonstrates the strength of the wearer. See "exercise aid" above.

And the number one reason Texans wear belt buckles:

1. Cover up. I have observed that a good many Texan men love to wear very (very) tight jeans. The large belt buckle provides them a way to hide their, ah, "panhandle".